This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, publicist and model Maya McHenry shares for the first time her own experience of domestic violence in an intimate conversation with Safe Horizon Deputy CEO Lisa A. O’Connor. McHenry reflects on the emotional and physical abuse she experienced in a past relationship, what she wishes she knew at the time, and her healing journey since. Watch the interview here.
Interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Lisa:
I am so excited to be here with you today for what’s going to be such a powerful moment for me, and I hope for you as well. Why is it the right time for you to speak out?
Maya:
I’ve had so much guilt and shame around this relationship, and that’s something a lot of survivors and victims feel. And so many women have been shunned and punished for coming out about this type of violence. I’ve done so much healing and work on myself that I finally feel ready to talk about my experience.
Lisa:
I know there was a specific, distressing situation on a train that really impacted your point of view. Can you tell us a little bit more about the incident itself, as much as you’re willing to share?
Maya:
There were so many incidents where it should have been enough to make me leave. But this was the first incident where things got physical. We were sitting on the train having an argument. I tried to get up and remove myself from the situation.
He got his hands and dug his nails into the skin of my thigh to scare me from getting up. And he whispered so people wouldn’t hear him, “Don’t [expletive] get up or you’ll see what happens.” I was so scared. There had been other instances of emotional abuse, but this was the first time I felt really trapped by him. I couldn’t leave.
Lisa:
You’ve come such a long way, and it’s been a painful journey. What was the breaking point for you where you said, this is enough? What was that like?
Maya:
One night we went out with friends, we got into an argument again, and we were in a nightclub that was
very, very, dark; it was hard to see. And I finally told him, “I can’t do this anymore. I am lying to my parents. I am isolated from the people closest to me. I’m sacrificing everything at this point to be in this relationship, and I just can’t do it anymore.”
And he lost it. He used his arms to squeeze, almost suffocate me, and prevent me from walking away from him. He was very strong and he had a knife on him.
This was the first time I fought back physically. I was doing everything in my power to try to get out of his arms. And then he pushed me to the floor. I was on the ground and he just kept kicking me in my stomach, back, and face.
I screamed loud enough that a friend of mine ran over and took him and helped hold him back from me. Another friend came and picked me up off of the floor and took me outside.
I called my sister and the first thing she told me was to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I knew if I went to the hospital that I would have to report it and I would have to tell people what happened to me. And I was still trying to protect him. I finally called my mom, I FaceTimed her and she just broke down. And she was like, we have to get you to the hospital.
Lisa:
I am sorry that happened to you, it sounds like a really scary situation. At Safe Horizon, we often see many young women who are experiencing similar things to what you’ve described. What do you wish people understood about the unique vulnerability of being young when experiencing violence in these types of relationships?
Maya:
As young people, we don’t have or know about the resources to get out of situations like that, let alone understand it. I would see it in movies, but I never would’ve imagined it happening to me. Here I am with this person who’s treating me so amazingly. And then on the other hand, he’s treating me horribly. Domestic violence can be very gradual…I’ve never been treated by a man like this before in my life. It’s confusing. So I think what you guys are doing at Safe Horizon is so important. I wish I had a Safe Horizon when I was going through my experience.
“As young people, we don’t have or know about the resources to get out of situations like that, let alone understand it…I wish I had a Safe Horizon when I was going through my experience.”
-Maya
Lisa:
I love that last part, thank you! You mentioned earlier your mom and your sisters. We know from working with women at Safe Horizon, and we know from research that when women are experiencing violence, they actually want their moms, they want their family around them. And for some that’s not available to them. You had what sounds like a crew of women who came to you and provided that support. What that has been like and how that has been a part of your healing journey?
Maya:
I don’t know what I would’ve done without those women. My mother, my sister Lyric, my sister Tiffany, and my best friend Elisa were just in my corner. They are my biggest protectors along with my father and my really good friends. To have people with me every day, but also to give me the space to be alone when I needed, was a huge part of my journey and still is today. I mean, I spoke to my mother just before I came to do this interview. And my sister Lyric, she’s up in heaven, but she’s still guiding me all the time, and she’s my guardian angel.
Lisa:
That is beautiful. Finally, what message would you give to other survivors? What would you have wanted to hear while you were in that situation?
Maya:
The first thing that comes to mind is that your story matters. I think for me, by doing this interview with you, if it helps one person, that’s enough for me. I think a lot of times women think that their story is not going to matter, and it will, because somebody is going to watch your conversation and think, oh, I’m not alone in this. Somebody else has been through this and can relate to what I’m going through. Everybody just wants to feel community and support.
And the second thing is to recognize that the guilt and shame you might feel is normal, after you’ve been through domestic violence or any sort of trauma, really. That immediate embarrassment and thinking that it’s your fault—it’s a lie. I had to really accept this was not my fault. None of this was my fault.
Lisa:
I know reliving some of this has not been easy, but you’re willing to take that risk with us because it’s important for other people to know, too. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, for taking a risk to be vulnerable with us.
Maya:
I’m so honored to be here with you, and you just made me feel so safe, immediately. Thank you, Lisa, so much. Thank you.
Watch the full interview here:
If you or someone you know is experiencing violence or abuse, we are here for you.
Please call our 24-Hour HOPE Hotline at: 1-800-621-4673 (HOPE).