A guide for mothers and daughters
A strong mother-daughter bond can directly impact a daughter’s safety if she is experiencing abuse. The relationship can create a safe space for a daughter to process what is happening, break cycles, and even save her life. But there are many barriers to starting a conversation about abuse—stigma, shame or guilt around lived experiences, cultural differences, or simply not knowing how to begin—that prevent this relationship from having the impact that it could. The difference can be lifesaving.
This guide helps equip both mothers and daughters to open up the conversation.
Tips for mothers if their daughter is experiencing domestic violence
If you suspect that your daughter is experiencing abuse, ensuring she is in a safe place to have the conversation is as important as how to start the conversation. Here are a few things to say to let her know you are there for her.
If you are not in person, ensure that they are in a safe environment for a conversation.
- “Are you in a place where you can speak freely?”
- “Is now a good time to chat about something personal, or would it be better to wait until another time?”
Point out behaviors and observations as a way into the conversation.
- “I notice that you haven’t been yourself lately—how can I support you?”
- “I noticed that you haven’t been visiting us as much lately—is everything OK?”
- “I notice you have been more subdued when your partner is around—what’s going on?”
If she’s not ready to engage in a conversation, be patient and let her know that you will be there when she is.
- “Whenever you’re ready to share more, I’ll always be here to listen.”
- “It’s OK if you don’t want to talk about this right now. I want you to know that I am always here for you, if you ever need to talk.”
Be Mindful of Digital Abuse
If the conversation must be over text, it’s possible the person causing harm has access to or is monitoring their phone. Ask if it’s a safe setting for a private conversation before you begin.
Tips for daughters who are experiencing domestic violence to start the conversation with their mother
No matter your relationship with your mother, opening up the conversation to let her know that you are experiencing abuse might be very hard for both of you. Here are a few ways to ease into the conversation and let her know what you need.
Set the tone
- “I want to share some things I’ve been experiencing with you.”
- “I trust and love you, which is why I’m sharing this with you.”
- “I need to share something with you that might be hard for you to hear, but it is important to me that you know.”
Name the type of support you need
- “Right now, I just need you to listen.”
- “I could use some advice or solutions.”
If the mother has also experienced abuse
- “I know you have had some similar experiences, which is one of the reasons it is so important to me to let you know about my own situation”
- “I know you’ve been in a similar situation before, but I just need you to listen to my experience right now.”
Help is Available
Safe Horizon has many resources to help survivors:
Advocates are available 24/7 via our Hotline: 1-800-621-4673 (HOPE).
You can also chat with an advocate online via SafeChat from
Mon. – Fri. 9 a.m. – 6 p.m. by visiting safehorizon.org/safechat.
If you need resources outside of New York City, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.